Losing the physical self

Well, the ‘depression’ has gone, which is a relief as I thought I was stuck with it, it started to go on Wednesday night, but lasted for almost four weeks, which is the longest it has ever lasted and was awful for everyone concerned. I get suicidal, everything is hopeless and I am in a nightmare and this is Hell, then I am fine again! Very weird, but I think I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that’s making me like this. My Doctor is changing my anti-depressants and I am weaning myself off Citalopram at the moment, but that will take about six weeks and ironically, this could make me more depressed!

I went to the local hospital by myself on Thursday, to the audiology clinic. I have constant tinnitus, accompanied by a ‘whooshing’ sound in my left ear and I am slightly deaf in both ears. I was told that everyone has tinnitus but only one in six people hear it, the secret is to put it ‘back into its box’ where it belongs, so you don’t hear it anymore! The brain apparently hates silence and will always seek out any sound. There are various techniques I can use to get rid of the tinnitus.I cut out caffeine, so no chocolate for me! Have the radio or something similar, on at all times so I hear something other than the tinnitus and not to sit in silence. I must also perform relaxation techniques and give other reasons to myself for the tinnitus, to con my brain into thinking there’s another reason for the noise and hopefully the tinnitus will stop! So I am trying all these things! Tinnitus is the least of my problems, but what have I got to lose?

I am fine at the moment and progressing nicely, but I know when the ‘depression’ strikes it will be all doom and gloom again! My balance, which is my biggest problem, is much better and I walk, well stagger, in the parallel bars and walking frame. I also stand a lot in the standing frame and a lot of work is done on my left arm in the hope it will become more flexible. I hope to go swimming, as I think the water will support my limbs, but that is yet to be organised.

I have received a few e-mails from various people who have seen this website and they cheer me up considerably. One of the worst things about brain injury is the loneliness, you feel you are the only person dealing with this shit and of course you aren’t. Although a lot of these stories are very sad, it makes me proud that these people are fighting on, you can’t let brain injury beat you, though it will try! I type this on the patio in the garden with the radio on in the background and Ronan Keating has just come on and in his words, Life Is A Roller coaster You Just Gotta Ride It!

Well I’m entering the third week of ‘depression’ and feel like shit. I know this is all chemical, to do with the brain injury and I have to work through it, but I get so frustrated. The house is in upheaval at the moment as our garage is being converted and the poor builder had to toilet me today as I was desperate, I don’t know who was more embarrassed and think I have reached my lowest ebb, I have sunk so far! I used to have pride! I potter around the house no trouble when I feel fine, do the laundry from my wheelchair, make myself drinks, but when I feel like this, I might as well be catatonic! I just sit around doing nothing! I was ‘assessed’ last week by yet another neuro physiotherapist, I am sick of being assessed , I just want to get on with it, I feel all this assessment is wasting precious time. There is supposed to be plenty of time, but I don’t want to waste any more time than I have to in this chair. I know I can’t accept what has happened to me and it is affecting my recovery, but at least I continue to recover! My balance is better and I have more feeling in my arm and leg. It’s hard to focus on these positive aspects though and I get so frustrated at the slowness of everything. I just want my life back please! Now, I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

Howard can’t believe I got the builder to toilet me and I am so worried about him. He has no life, goes to work, comes home, toilets me if necessary, goes on his computer, helps me to bed and goes to bed himself. I know he finds this ‘depression’ hard to take and I worry that he will end up resenting me. I was once so free and independent, but now talking is difficult and I generally remain quiet! I get so ‘depressed’ I have physical symptoms, I feel nervous all the time and get panic attacks, the fear in my stomach is unbearable! I get suicidal, but am too much of a coward to do anything, I just want to stop this as I can’t stand it. I want to be an inspiration to other brain injured people and their families, but all they will get is this deranged ranting, which isn’t very inspiring! Bad things happen to good people all the time, why should I be any different? I just have to survive this and I will of course! It’s just so hard, the hardest thing I have ever done, which is why I must have arranged this for myself! All this is good for the soul, but bad for the body obviously! My body is ruined and I can’t get over that, I have a right sided facial palsy, my right eye is crossed and won’t close, so gets constantly infected, I am partially deaf in both ears, with constant tinnitus accompanied by a ‘whooshing’ sound. Speaking is hard, as is eating and drinking. My left side is numb and I have very limited movement in my left limbs. I also write like a drunken six year old! A lot to get right, who said I don’t like a challenge! The worst thing is the more ‘depressed’ I get, the more my physical condition worsens, so I can do even less and I get more ‘depressed’, its a self fulfilling prophecy!