Losing the physical self

Anita had an appointment to discuss her mental health yesterday. We spent a couple of hours down at the local hospital, with which we are becoming more familiar. The thing is, surprise, surprise, Anita is not at all happy with her present state of disablement. Early on she was told to accept that she was going to be disabled. It is an understatement to say that she is an individual who will always row her own boat no matter what she is told. That lack of acceptance and bloody mindedness has driven her on and helped make her the wonderful person she is. However she will need to appreciate life again, and on her terms it will be a long road. The periods of up’s and down’s she has need to be stablised. They have upped her dose of anti-depressant.

After a recent stay for Anita in hospital, the continual process of visiting and leaving started to bring back old memories. I created some images and words that reflect that period, the words are not all meant to be sad.

There was another visit to the eye clinic on Wednesday. She had botox injected into her eye muscles to close it, it will take a couple of weeks to take effect. When Anita looks for encouragement from her body, she is let down time and time again. It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. The largest most vital of organs, has been struck through deeply with life’s broadsword. It’s difficult for even the most beautiful of minds to resist the onslaught. She wants, with every sinew of her body, to make a good recovery. She’s never accepted well short of perfection in the past, and it’s hard to do so now. We all have to come to terms with our body’s inevitable decay; it’s a major part of life. That’s hard enough, but try it on fast forward and see how easy that is.

Anita wants her eye to be fixed, to be like it was. The only truth is nothing will ever be the same again. The ulcer has left scarring damage to her eye. There was no suggestion that this could be fixed, although this may be possible. She wants to get the squint sorted but it’s not a priority, given the infections and risk to her sight. The eye partially closes due to the gold weight but it can’t feel and this will always put it at risk. Therefore it must be closed. That’s the worst thing about her eye, you can’t even dream to be positive.

Anita was discharged from hospital yesterday. In the end it was almost a month in hospital. Next week she is due for a long awaited eye appointment, to have a botox injection. Whilst she was almost a resident in the eye ward she asked repeatedly for this to happen but they wouldn’t carry out this treatment. She has been assessed by physios who think her transferring abilities pretty much the same as before the break. However I feel that she is not able to make a transfer on her own, this could just be down to my fear that she will have another fall. She was always fearless when making transfers and although this has been dented, and that could be a good thing, I think a fall is always going to be a possibility. Its like deja vou now she is back home, it’s another morning when I wake up to a very flat Anita.

Anita has been an inpatient in hospital for over 2/3 of the last two years. All her hospital stays have added up to around 16 months. As we come around to the anniversary (11/11/03) of her brain injury she may again well be in hospital. She is currently in the eye hospital, her eye appears to have got rid of the ulcer but due to the braking of her hip there will need to be discussions about care needs before she returns home. Clearly her transfers are more difficult and she will require more help, they will meet on Monday to discuss.

All that time in hospital, hospital visits, it’s either good for the soul or a wasted life depending on your inclinations. Wha’ts the alternative anyway, to lead a normal 9 to 5 life, no prods to the soul! Both of us have always judged ourselves by some kind of internal assessment engine. No matter what people tell you, both of us have a predilection for making up our own mind. Therefore it’s a good job we have this internal voice otherwise we would be in trouble. What that means is that whatever other people say is right or wrong, we have our own expectations and guidelines to live up to. This can be a good thing because people tell you ‘you are doing well’, ‘you are a good person’ when quite plainly by your own standards, you are not. In our minds right now we are not doing a great job of handling things. If the ambition is to be even a slightly advanced soul then you find yourself always questioning your motive and actions. I have tons of self love but don’t even come close to my expectations of a higher self.

One thing is sure we are enormously mentally affected by what has happened. It’s one of those things we may look back at in a few years and think, wow I was totally fucked up then. What does it actually mean to be of sound mind anyway. What is thought of as normal can be robotic, highly influenced by the society around us. It can frighten most people to think about what’s going on in their heads, we are all a little fragile and the slightest change of balance can get to us. So all this tragedy gets fed into the old head computer and behind the scenes who knows what sort of brain conditioning is going on. The other day I watched the Wim Wenders film Paris, Texas and (yes I know it is very very slow) I could really identify with the Harry Dean Stanton character, Travis’s missing years. He returns to the real world after several years in some sort of wilderness, living out his pain with irresponsible oblivion. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t feel like making a similar trip.

Visiting the hospital over the weekend, Anita has been in very good spirits. After helping her do a transfer I can see that she is a lot less independent now, the left leg has very little movement. She will need to get back to where she was before she went into hospital. I saw the stitching on her upper leg today, she has 12 inches of staples, which should be removed in the next couple of days. She expected to come out this week although much will depend on her care needs when she gets home. Tonight she was moved back to the eye ward, to free up a bed. The relevant people will be meeting this week and she will need to have the various things in place so she can come home.

It was refreshing that when I visited Anita in hospital tonight she was up in her chair. She was in a very good spirit, as good as I have seen her in a long time. Apparently she has had a special pin put in her leg and the physios said it was better that it was the dodgey left leg rather than right, which she uses more. It was discovered, during the operation that her hemaglobin level (iron) in her blood is low. The physcologist, from her rehab unit visited to wish Anita well and keep tabs on her progress. The nurses have all been very nice considering the unit is an emergency one.

Anita has actually been out of bed today for the first time. The physios got her up into her chair for 6 hours. The bone consultant told her that they took an x-ray as soon as the operation was done and things looked as if they had knitted well. She will have her stitches out in another week. There is still no information on how long she will be in hospital and if she will move to another ward.. I think that the large amounts of morphine she is taking is helping her spirits. She is certainly in a bouyant mood tonight having fun with the nurses. They told her of the bloke who’s was asked to bring his wife’s things, when she was admitted for an emergency, all he brought was 50 pairs of knickers, nothing else.