Losing the physical self

Yesterday was Anita’s Birthday, when I arrived they were still getting her ready and for the first hour she was contorted in pain. She needs to get up and into the armchair because that seems to settle the pain in her leg. She has a plastic ball with spikes on that the physio has given her, she rolls it under her foot to keep the leg moving. She was still in good spirits and enjoyed her presents and a stack of cards. Thanks to everyone for these, I appreciate that Anita is always in peoples minds. The staff at the hospital not only had a present for her but brought out a wonderful chocolate birthday cake. I had my doubts at first but the pain eased and we went out shopping and managed to watch a film we had wanted to watch for ages ‘Walk the line’. She didn’t end up screaming in the cinema and a good time was had by all.

For some reason I have found it more upsetting seeing her recently. Maybe because it’s Valentine day and it brings back all the memories. She is drugged to drowsy, sweating profusely from her kidney infection, drooling and still has pain. I am very impressed and emotional that she has made me two valentine’s cards, one of them is from the cat. Neither of us can cry anymore so we don’t embarrass ourselves. The other day she made some scones and she was swimming yesterday. When slightly down I dread getting depressed, because I feel it could all fall apart so easily. The mystery of life so far has told me that we are all sailing more closely to the wind, mentally, than we think we are. It’s a good job I am an eternal optimist!

Anita tells me

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Oscar Wilde

Today I feel flat but there is usually a tomorrow.

Friday night and Sunday, Anita was in the best mood I have seen her for months. She still has alot of back pain but at least the situation is improving. She also has to get over a kidney infection that isn’t helping the situation. They have increased her anti-depressant medication, maybe it’s helped.

I believe very much in fate, coincidence doesn’t even come close to explaining many things that happen in life. It’s all mapped out and you can’t avoid it. For example you see people or things when the odds are against it yet there are times when you expect to bump in to others and it never happens. If only you could just let go and have faith it will all unfold as it should.

The Way has no true shape,
And therefore none can control it.
If a ruler could control the Way
All things would follow
In harmony with his desire,
And sweet rain would fall,
Effortlessly slaking every thirst.

The Way is shaped by use,
But then the shape is lost.
Do not hold fast to shapes
But let sensation flow into the world
As a river courses down to the sea.

Tao De Jing

Anita is worried that she isn’t able to take advantage of the physio on offer in the hospital because of the extreme back pain she is in. There is a possibility they may let her go in a swimming pool soon, it’s something she wanted to do for a long time but no one could arrange it in the past. It’s a lovely place she is in, with very nice staff and excellent food. We had a nice walk around the grounds on Sunday, I pushed her to a garden centre but she was still in a lot of pain so an hour was enough. Sometimes when I see her she is very drowsy, it’s down to the drugs she is taking. It’s another form of immobilisation along with the pain and the bed rest that has affected her mobility. Because the place is psychiatrically focused there is always the possibility of a transfer to a rehab unit.
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