Losing the physical self

I have written a poem for my sister.

Mum was sick yet again
But sis was always there,
She helped with my breakfast
And combed my knotted hair.

Not strong enough to open doors
Through the sitting-room window we climbed,
Being with sis was always exciting
Most definitely fun inclined.

My sister took great care of me
When I was young and small,
She taught me to be brave enough
To stand up big and tall.

But everything changed one night
Not so very long ago,
A frantic call from the hospital saying
It was time for sis to go.

But sis was a lot tougher
Than everybody thought,
And she spent some time in intensive care
With a ‘killer’ sheep we bought.

Though sis is very different now
I’m relieved she decided to stay,
She sits in a chair; we laugh and joke
About the games we used to play.

Being restricted in a wheelchair
And driving us all nuts,
With sis’s determination
There are no ifs ands or buts.

Not everyone is lucky enough
To have a sis like mine,
And although things are hard for her
She may adapt in time.

She’s a symbol of loveliness
Although she doesn’t see,
That it’s what’s inside the heart that counts
And not what people see.

Although this time is hard for her
I hope that she can see,
How much I look up to her
To be the best that I can be.

After years of keeping sickness free I have been completly sidelined with my second cold virus in the space of a few weeks. I hesitate to mention the word flu because I believe that term should only be used when it can kill you. I try not to let the frustration get to me because in the great scheme of things it’s nothing and a positive outcome was that I had time in bed to read a book called A million little pieces. It is the story of a 23 year olds time in a treatment centre for drugs and alcohol rehabilitation, after destroying his body and his mind almost beyond repair. The fact that I am regularly visiting a treatment centre to see Anita made the book more interesting. It was pretty obvious the book had been embellished and although I can’t see the similarity of life in Anita’s hospital it did offer some an interesting insight into addiction and how your life can be affected at an early age. I think Anita would find it a decent read, mostly because the attitude of the individual involved has similarities to her own. He is told that he must follow a certain process otherwise his chances of survival are a million to one. He continues to ignore this and follows his own path; he is a very bloody minded individual. The same single-minded personality that could self destroy actually gave him an edge in recovery. It’s worth pointing out that this book has also generated a large amount of controversy and some people have pointed out the danger in an approach that may not be that successful. It should be treated as a work of fiction but is still a worthy read.

One thing referred to in the book is the Ta de ching, roughly translated as The Book of the Way and its Virtue. I keep a copy of it with me on my hanheld computer. The widom of the Ta (pronounced Dao) de ching is beyond belief, it was written around 600 BCE by a sage called Laozi and is one of the most important in Chinese philosophy. Below is one of the very first quotes from it which in hindsight reflects an earlier post I made.

Free from desire, you realize the mystery.
Caught in desire, you can only see the manifestations.

Yet mystery and manifestations
arise from the same source.
This source is called darkness.

Darkness within darkness.
The gateway to all understanding.

Why is it when I find myself looking at a digital clock I often see number ones (11:11). The date Anita sustained the brain injury and quite possibly the eleventh hour is when things went downhill. Such a striking thing to look at on a digital clock, straight parallel lines, heading to infinity.

39 pages, box after box, reiterating your disablement over and over again. What a pleasure it must be for disabled people to fill in a claim for Disability Living Allowance. It also something you have to do every year, like filling in a tax return! Yes I know you can use help lines and get support from social services, but how many hours are spent going through these forms. Surely it can be simpler than this, particularly if you have a major disability and it’s not as if there are more important things to do, is it?

Grief digs a hole in us, it creates a well that’s as deep as the ocean but usually has a bottom. It can be filled with an ocean of tears or a swirling vortex. For me it’s a dark calm pool that enhances life, and to feel things deeply is a beautiful gift. It allows us to connect with something bigger that is beyond our comprehension but none the less is shown to be real.

Grief can sharpen our today,
not blunt our tomorrows.
Help us recognise the greater force,
not lead a life full of sorrows.

There is a flow of energy all around, connecting and grounding us. We are so wrapped up in the noise of our manufactured lives that we need to be taken to extremes to be awakened to it. We should learn to let things happen in life, follow the ebb and flow, watch the cycles and feel the harmony, following nature’s examples. Life is the coexistence of opposites including joy and sorrow, these opposites are meant to flow together, one embracing the other.

Physically Anita is making very good progress from her poor state post Christmas. It’s probably the most rapid improvements that I have seen her make in rehab and is testament to the good help she is getting. She now only requires one carer and is able to assist more and more in her transfers. Her back pain has also diminished greatly. Her mental attitude though at times is just like before Christmas, and not being used to it, I still find it difficult. I have not got to let myself be drawn into her down days, I can’t be responsible for making her happy or her life. To be honest I have some selfishness towards my own life and can only be there offering support and balance. At times there is just a small chink of light that she could see things differently. If I sound negative it is a reflection of how best I handle the situation, not to be emotionally swung too much about her overall state.