Losing the physical self

Anita has been taken off the ventilator today. However her breathing is very difficult. It could be down to old scars in her throat providing an obstruction. They are not quite sure but they are considering putting the tube back in. It would mean a step backwards from their point of view but it may be necessary. They don’t want her airway compromised. As always she is causing problems for the doctors. They have taken a good look at all her blood tests. Her blood pressure was lowered so much that it lowered her body temperature and shut her system down. The liver was damaged as a result but not enough that it would kill her.

13.30 She is struggling with her breathing but I get the feeling she is trying to talk. The doctors are getting very concerned about the neurological side of things because of the full horror of what she has been through. The fact that full conciousness is difficult, they can’t rule out further brain injury. My tension levels at this point are the worst they have been. She seems as if she is trying to communicate, she cry’s, I guess it could be the realisation she hasn’t made it. She has now squeezed my hand in response to my request as she struggles for breath. My god, what could she have done to her brain, I want to cry out in anguish.

Late at night, Anita is trying to speak to me. I can’t make out what shes saying, her first words are possibly, brain injury. I hear her liver is over 7000 something when normal is 30. Later I get a call at the bungalow which gives me a jump start. They just wanted to tell me that they have reinserted the breathing tube, she’s still having difficulties breathing so this seems sensible. However they don’t need the ventilator on.

It’s taken a long time for me to see her this morning, there is someone who had a heart attack in the next bed. They hope to take the tube out that they re-inserted last night soon. Her liver function has improved by 3000, the last 2 days it had been over 7k

I am getting almost 6 hours sleep a night but I seem to be more and more exhausted as time goes on. The stronger you try to handle everything the harder it seems to get. I am worried the the last 2+ years are taking their toll, not just what is happening now. My cold feels like it’s getting worse.

She is awake enough to hear what is said and she can squeeze my hand once for yes. I can tell that she is hurting mentally, not physically, from the squeeze and the occasional tears. The delimma I have is what to say to her, apart from the obvious. Both parties can get very frustrated with communication so I know I shouldn’t try to much. We need to let nature take it’s course.

She keeps trying to talk, I can’t make out what it is, maybe she pleading. This is horrible.

Christmas morning, frost on the ground and I open the quote book.

Suffering only hurts because you fear it
Suffering only hurts because you complain about it
It persues you only because you flee from it
You must not flee
You must not complain
You must not fear
You must love

I am told the paracetamol she took was not enough but even so her liver is 4x worse than yesterday. Her liver is 100-200x worse than a normal one. Anita opens her eyes for a minute as I greet her, her GCS is around 7 the same as yesterday. Thats as much as I get, no squeezing of hands yet but now she has just moved her leg. That probably means her GCS is improving all the time. I can’t help feeling she’s slowing the waking up process. The staff keep telling me that she can’t control the bodys natural recovery. It’s only a matter of time when she wakes up. In some ways it’s nice to see her peaceful before the storm to come.

Christmas message

The staff are talking about people rushing around doing their shopping, being physically pushed around by others. One woman through a complete fit in Mark’s and Spencers when the Christmas turkey she had ordered was too small, and two women had been seen fighting over a lettuce. Absolute madness, but it can assault any of us. People talk to me all the time with the proviso ‘but how can I talk about my problems when your….’. That doesn’t really matter, the problem is equal to the space it takes up in our own minds. Therefore someone could almost be as distraught over a lettuce as they could losing everything in life.

Next time you want to fight over something let it go, let the other person have it and smile to yourself. In fact smiling to yourself helps alot. People will think you are mad but what the hell, if you don’t feel good about yourself no one els will. Do the same to the queue jumpers and pushers, let it all go.

One of the benefits of being in hospital as a visitor for a while is the calm it can bring. Obviously, to a certain extent you have got the anxiety, tradgedy, etc. to deal with but even this can drive you to an inner peace. The reason is a simple one, you are cutting all the noise out of your life. You are sat there with nothing to do but love. You don’t even have to think too much if you don’t want. We fill our lives with so much stuff, busy ourselves with all sorts of things and this stuff is addictive as heroin. It’s shocking that we force this way of life on others. Once most of it is forced out, a few things that matter are left.

I really wish this website could bring a dose of this calm to everyone out there. Far from doing that, most people are absolutely mortified on reading it. The sad thing is that wasn’t my intention at all, far from it. I would prefer a reaction that inspires a love of life. Merry Christmas.

Anita is becoming more awake. They would prefer she wakes slowly and when there are more Doctor’s around.

1.00pm The Doctor has just explained to me her current state. They are mainly keeping her settled in the expectation she will wake up at her own pace. Some of the drugs she has taken are longer acting. In terms of her organs, there is every reason to think they should all recover over time. My major concern is if she has suffered any further brain damage. I know to well what that can bring. The Doctor explained that this would only have occured had there been a period of oxygen loss or possible massive low blood pressure before coming into hospital. As far as I am aware that is not the case. To keep fits at bay they are giving her phenetoen. More drugs to the system but necessary one’s.

A vicar is on the ward and it makes me smile to myself. I thought if he comes over and tries to talk to Anita that would really send her into relapse. Probably not a good idea to get into a theological debate with him. Both me and Anita could never conform to the dictate of a religion. A set of facts and rules, a manual for the desperate when the truth is inside. A religion is what you find when you are taught or desperate, not seeing the truth for yourself from the inside. Faith however is a whole different story.

Anita is not reacting to much, her GCS is around 7, when I first arrived it was at 3.

22.00pm Not a lot happening so I nip out and sink a couple of red wines at the pub up the road. It’s a beautiful clear star spangled night and the yellow Christmas lights on the houses look lovely.

8pm I have arrived at hospital tired after a long drive suffering a nasty head cold. Earlier today I heard anita was in a critical condition and with my mobile out of action I have to monitor things at the motorway services through the long drive. Christ I have become an expert at driving at a good speed with the rainstorm in my eyes. When I arrive to find Anita wired up to the machines I am a little shocked she’s still alive, not only that but improving. The last time I was at Barrow hospital I nearly died of peritinitus. Anita was helping me through a burst appendix. She is very unconcious and it all comes back to me from just over 2 years ago. How different it it this time, not so much that intensive care is less grand than addenbrookes, but that this time she is seeking a release from life. It puts a whole new complexity on things. Now here I am 2 years later apologising to her that I won’t be able to pull the plugs out for her.

They are now taking some of the wires away, I think she is improving from her critical state earlier. I think she may wake up in the morning and she is going to be very angry. I get to stay in a hospital bungalow tonight.

I randomly open the quote book.

There are always risk in freedom
The only risk in bondage is that of breaking free.

Anita is on a life support machine in hospital. In the early hours of this morning she took an overdose. She was discovered by her mother before the drugs had got to work. It seems that she had planned it, she took pretty much every pill in the house and washed them down with half a bottle of whiskey.

The outcome at the moment is unsure. For a long time Anita has asked to be set free. My love spiritual beliefs, cowardness and a refusal to accept the truth has prevented me from helping. I have told the medical people what she wishes with all her heart in the hope it could help her. However I know that’s not going to be possible.

Today we spent about 2 hours waiting around Addenbrookes hospital to be told in a few minutes that Anita’s smile can’t be rebuilt. We had spent most of the day travelling, to see the plastic surgeon, and waiting around at the hospital. She has been told there isn’t any contraction or enough potential movement from the nerves of her face, that could be of further help. Anita always has the hope that she can get back to how she was, so it’s always difficult for her to hear these things. In fact in her situation, medically, you never get very good news so it’s not a good idea to go looking for it.

They will be able to do some surgery to improve the balance around her mouth. Borrowing more flesh from her leg to help pull back her mouth. They may even tighten things on her left side so that it better matches the right. It aint much fun going to a hospital that will forever be burned into my conscience.

Anita had an appointment to discuss her mental health yesterday. We spent a couple of hours down at the local hospital, with which we are becoming more familiar. The thing is, surprise, surprise, Anita is not at all happy with her present state of disablement. Early on she was told to accept that she was going to be disabled. It is an understatement to say that she is an individual who will always row her own boat no matter what she is told. That lack of acceptance and bloody mindedness has driven her on and helped make her the wonderful person she is. However she will need to appreciate life again, and on her terms it will be a long road. The periods of up’s and down’s she has need to be stablised. They have upped her dose of anti-depressant.

There was another visit to the eye clinic on Wednesday. She had botox injected into her eye muscles to close it, it will take a couple of weeks to take effect. When Anita looks for encouragement from her body, she is let down time and time again. It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. The largest most vital of organs, has been struck through deeply with life’s broadsword. It’s difficult for even the most beautiful of minds to resist the onslaught. She wants, with every sinew of her body, to make a good recovery. She’s never accepted well short of perfection in the past, and it’s hard to do so now. We all have to come to terms with our body’s inevitable decay; it’s a major part of life. That’s hard enough, but try it on fast forward and see how easy that is.

Anita wants her eye to be fixed, to be like it was. The only truth is nothing will ever be the same again. The ulcer has left scarring damage to her eye. There was no suggestion that this could be fixed, although this may be possible. She wants to get the squint sorted but it’s not a priority, given the infections and risk to her sight. The eye partially closes due to the gold weight but it can’t feel and this will always put it at risk. Therefore it must be closed. That’s the worst thing about her eye, you can’t even dream to be positive.

Anita was discharged from hospital yesterday. In the end it was almost a month in hospital. Next week she is due for a long awaited eye appointment, to have a botox injection. Whilst she was almost a resident in the eye ward she asked repeatedly for this to happen but they wouldn’t carry out this treatment. She has been assessed by physios who think her transferring abilities pretty much the same as before the break. However I feel that she is not able to make a transfer on her own, this could just be down to my fear that she will have another fall. She was always fearless when making transfers and although this has been dented, and that could be a good thing, I think a fall is always going to be a possibility. Its like deja vou now she is back home, it’s another morning when I wake up to a very flat Anita.