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Anita has been an inpatient in hospital for over 2/3 of the last two years. All her hospital stays have added up to around 16 months. As we come around to the anniversary (11/11/03) of her brain injury she may again well be in hospital. She is currently in the eye hospital, her eye appears to have got rid of the ulcer but due to the braking of her hip there will need to be discussions about care needs before she returns home. Clearly her transfers are more difficult and she will require more help, they will meet on Monday to discuss.
All that time in hospital, hospital visits, it’s either good for the soul or a wasted life depending on your inclinations. Wha’ts the alternative anyway, to lead a normal 9 to 5 life, no prods to the soul! Both of us have always judged ourselves by some kind of internal assessment engine. No matter what people tell you, both of us have a predilection for making up our own mind. Therefore it’s a good job we have this internal voice otherwise we would be in trouble. What that means is that whatever other people say is right or wrong, we have our own expectations and guidelines to live up to. This can be a good thing because people tell you ‘you are doing well’, ‘you are a good person’ when quite plainly by your own standards, you are not. In our minds right now we are not doing a great job of handling things. If the ambition is to be even a slightly advanced soul then you find yourself always questioning your motive and actions. I have tons of self love but don’t even come close to my expectations of a higher self.
One thing is sure we are enormously mentally affected by what has happened. It’s one of those things we may look back at in a few years and think, wow I was totally fucked up then. What does it actually mean to be of sound mind anyway. What is thought of as normal can be robotic, highly influenced by the society around us. It can frighten most people to think about what’s going on in their heads, we are all a little fragile and the slightest change of balance can get to us. So all this tragedy gets fed into the old head computer and behind the scenes who knows what sort of brain conditioning is going on. The other day I watched the Wim Wenders film Paris, Texas and (yes I know it is very very slow) I could really identify with the Harry Dean Stanton character, Travis’s missing years. He returns to the real world after several years in some sort of wilderness, living out his pain with irresponsible oblivion. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t feel like making a similar trip.