Intensive care (day 11) New Years Day
Anita this morning has a spiked temperature, which indicates some kind of infection. She looks to have a very red face and is laid up in bed. They are conducting lots of blood tests, x-rays and giving her antibiotics and paracetamol. She says she has meningitis but I tell her that she will have picked up one of the many airborne bugs that are in hospitals, to go with the MRSA. The nurse tells us it comes through the lines into the body. This time at least none of the lines go into her brain.
Even though she is poorly this morning she is still talking non-stop. She is always very interesting but like before when she becomes very negative it’s hard work. She tells me that the nurses said ‘If you pick at a scab it will never heal’. I guess she is good at picking at scabs and her brain injury is an enormous one. Listening to her is a difficult reminder of what she was like last year and how hard it was to not get annoyed. In some ways it was easier when she was peaceful on a life support machine. Still at the moment she has a lot more possitivity. She doesn’t remember trying to commit suicide and says it was an impulse thing.
I had planned a break over Christmas but instead I got more drama. If I was in a boxing match I would have nothing left, awaiting the knockout punch. I have to steel myself for the coming year but maybe I now need the drama in my life, otherwise I become bored. The last thing I want in life is mediocrity. Anyway, the New Year is only significant from a number point of view.
Sometimes I feel like the angel in the film ‘Wings of Desire’, observing but not partaking in the life around me. I feel there is a distance between me, and the rest of society and I don’t know if I can close the gap. The Angel becomes mortal and the film conveys deep love of life. These are the things I feel and none of them are bad. There are times when you get a sense of the unfathomable number of individuals on this planet, each one in their own world. It’s too overwhelming to consider all these worlds. These days I take more interest in them than I have ever done before.
I steal myself away to the beach while Anita sleeps. It’s a beautiful cold clear and sunny day. After a long walk along the shore and dunes I stand in front of the sea. I would give anything for Anita to appreciate this beautiful place. In this very open but private space I suddenly feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. I watch two seagulls flying together for a while then separate, one of them flies into the low bright winter sun and disappears. I wouldn’t be what I am with out my time with Anita and I like what I am, and what I have learned. She has made me a better person. However I hate feeling as vulnerable as I do and there are so many risks writing like I do but I can’t help myself. I originally started this website to help Anita and others with brain injury. I really don’t think it has helped enough. Nothing I do seems to help Anita. It came a hairs breath to ending this Christmas but it is destined to carry on into this New Year.