Intensive care (day 4) - Christmas Day
Christmas morning, frost on the ground and I open the quote book.
Suffering only hurts because you fear it
Suffering only hurts because you complain about it
It persues you only because you flee from it
You must not flee
You must not complain
You must not fear
You must love
I am told the paracetamol she took was not enough but even so her liver is 4x worse than yesterday. Her liver is 100-200x worse than a normal one. Anita opens her eyes for a minute as I greet her, her GCS is around 7 the same as yesterday. Thats as much as I get, no squeezing of hands yet but now she has just moved her leg. That probably means her GCS is improving all the time. I can’t help feeling she’s slowing the waking up process. The staff keep telling me that she can’t control the bodys natural recovery. It’s only a matter of time when she wakes up. In some ways it’s nice to see her peaceful before the storm to come.
Christmas message
The staff are talking about people rushing around doing their shopping, being physically pushed around by others. One woman through a complete fit in Mark’s and Spencers when the Christmas turkey she had ordered was too small, and two women had been seen fighting over a lettuce. Absolute madness, but it can assault any of us. People talk to me all the time with the proviso ‘but how can I talk about my problems when your….’. That doesn’t really matter, the problem is equal to the space it takes up in our own minds. Therefore someone could almost be as distraught over a lettuce as they could losing everything in life.
Next time you want to fight over something let it go, let the other person have it and smile to yourself. In fact smiling to yourself helps alot. People will think you are mad but what the hell, if you don’t feel good about yourself no one els will. Do the same to the queue jumpers and pushers, let it all go.
One of the benefits of being in hospital as a visitor for a while is the calm it can bring. Obviously, to a certain extent you have got the anxiety, tradgedy, etc. to deal with but even this can drive you to an inner peace. The reason is a simple one, you are cutting all the noise out of your life. You are sat there with nothing to do but love. You don’t even have to think too much if you don’t want. We fill our lives with so much stuff, busy ourselves with all sorts of things and this stuff is addictive as heroin. It’s shocking that we force this way of life on others. Once most of it is forced out, a few things that matter are left.
I really wish this website could bring a dose of this calm to everyone out there. Far from doing that, most people are absolutely mortified on reading it. The sad thing is that wasn’t my intention at all, far from it. I would prefer a reaction that inspires a love of life. Merry Christmas.