Losing the physical self

Anita is worried that she isn’t able to take advantage of the physio on offer in the hospital because of the extreme back pain she is in. There is a possibility they may let her go in a swimming pool soon, it’s something she wanted to do for a long time but no one could arrange it in the past. It’s a lovely place she is in, with very nice staff and excellent food. We had a nice walk around the grounds on Sunday, I pushed her to a garden centre but she was still in a lot of pain so an hour was enough. Sometimes when I see her she is very drowsy, it’s down to the drugs she is taking. It’s another form of immobilisation along with the pain and the bed rest that has affected her mobility. Because the place is psychiatrically focused there is always the possibility of a transfer to a rehab unit.

So much has happened over the last 2 years; even with Anita back the way she was, I would be very different person. While she has been in hospital I have had time to explore my love of life through various activities. It’s so unfair that if I talk to Anita of my joy from walking in the hills then it’s a reminder of what she has lost. To be true to myself appears to come at a cost to her.

In many different ways Anita pushes me away because she wants what she thinks is best for me. Surely it can’t be that bad when it’s inspired a deeper love of life. It can be awful when she picks on any scab in our relationship, there is too much for her to come to terms with. A few people have told me to be less honest but it’s something I have great difficulty with.

I have been busy exploring my love of art, although I am only really good enough to enjoy it for myself. One way to expunge the grief is to write; sometimes it comes out like the following example, written in a pub, drunk on huge quantities of the red juice.

Why do they all fall away
From thy noblest they can stray
That part of them that can’t accept
That life has meaning and regrets

The deeper force that lies within
Can self sustain when life is grim
But beauty lies at every cost
It hurts so much when all is lost

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 7th, 2006 at 1:21 pm and is filed under Hospital, Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.