Bad Friday
Good Friday the crucifixion of Jesus………
I feel I am letting Howard down by being so down in myself. He tries so hard to help me and I seem to have no enthusiasm for anything. I feel so miserable and sick the whole time, I feel like I am panicking, but nothing ever happens I feel a knot in my stomach the whole time. I hate it that the carers have to come, but the alternative is to manage by myself, which I cannot do. I feel so useless and vulnerable at the moment. Everything tries to batter me down and in my weakened state I cannot cope. I just want to curl up and die, which isn’t me! I had some good news this week from the facial place but even that didn’t cheer me up, I tend to focus on the negative and what I can’t do rather than what I’ve achieved. I feel so battered by life and things are getting worse when in reality they are getting better. I am out of the dreadful Rayners Hedge but I haven’t had formal physiotherapy since I left there, it looks like a cost I will have to pay. We will convert our garage which will give me more independence but I can’t be bothered to get involved though it’s all done to help me. The report from Rayners Hedge annoys me, it makes me out to be socially shy, which isn’t true. They know I go out, I even saw them all twice at the noodle bar. Please help me, I feel so pathetic. I just want to be like I was though I know that is impossible now. I feel so hopeless, I dread the carers coming tomorrow morning; though they are both very nice women who do all they can to help me. I hate that I can’t talk and write effortlessly like I used to. I feel my identity has been taken away and only a shell remains. I focus on not standing well and continue to have high expectations of myself. Even at this stage I am not euphoric that I can stand at all, just that I can’t stand for very long. I feel doomed and nothing is going well though things tick along and life goes on, but I feel it goes on around me and I don’t take part in it. I remember mundane things about our past, trips to Spain and France and miss what I was. I feel so alone, people try to help me but can’t understand the horror I go through. I try to cope but I feel I am failing miserably when I’m like this. I don’t feel very inspirational, I so want to be an inspiration to other people. I feel I just get worse and people will loose any tolerance and sympathy they have for me. I feel I only have myself to blame as I am not reacting very well to my predicament.