Take more from less
Friday night, I drive home with the now too familiar knot in my stomach, that’s a few times in a row now. I don’t understand why because it’s not that different from countless Friday nights pre 11/11. I used to feel so much lighter on Fridays and now I don’t really understand it. It’s Friday, it’s the weekend, psychologically it just makes the loss bite that little bit more. Maybe we should have got out of here so that we didn’t have the chance for our minds to make connections with those previous memories. We never really understand our own state of mind, it’s a law into itself, believe you me it’s best not to, happiness is something that just is, it’s a state of being, you just can’t manufacture it. Like love it’s just there and it’s best to soak it up while it lasts. Swings and roundabouts, you have to pay the price sometime. I always knew that’s the score, I always knew it would catch up at some point. You can only go for so long with the status quo but eventually you know something big is coming round the corner. Truth is I knew deep down a massive change was coming before Anita went into hospital, your intuition tells you. The thing is you can’t take a step back, you go with it, it’s best to drive yourself on regardless, use what you feel inside to get things done. My sheer bloody mindedness will never let me stop.
I remember those days back in the hospital, I would turn up for the ‘lets watch Anita take a battering show’ then come 8.00 it would be time for home again. I would drive back on my own with the occasional screaming into the night to let it out. Mentally screaming that is, every so often you need to let the pressure out. I doesn’t seem to go away, the occassional day when it it’s hard. I have tried to drink away the pain but I don’t even get affected by alcohol, it doesn’t even touch the sides. I hear a story, any story of someones troubles on the news, it doesn’t even cause a ripple on the surface of my emotions. Will I ever feel anything again other than pain, numbness and anger! I do have an excuse of course, I have seen the only person I’ll ever love on this whole planet be taken to pieces, medically and mentally. She’s so strong, I know she can take much more than others and that makes it easier. Poor me, I certainly don’t want sympathy because even though what I have just said sounds bad, it isn’t really that difficult. I know what I am suffering is a fraction of what Anita has to go through and I have the sure knowledge that it would take an enormous amount to dislodge me. In fact most of the time it surprises even me how easy it is, I think the secret is to love life and I hope that’s something that will never dry up. If you can see more in less and take more out of life with less then loss isn’t really that bad after all.