Life begins
Today is my 40th birthday, when life begins. Anita tells me that she just got the kitchen knife out and thought about stabbing herself through the chest. This has surely been one of the worst days of my life. We spent about 2 hours waiting around Addenbrookes hospital to be told in a few minutes that Anita’s smile can’t be rebuilt. They will be able to do some surgery to improve the balance around her mouth but there isn’t any movement in the nerves of her face to take it further. To go back, yet again, to a hospital that will forever be burned into my conscience.
I took the day off, originally not to celebrate my birthday, but so I could have time to myself. The rest of my day has to be spent looking at legal papers and sorting out an ILF form. The thing is that all this effort goes in and it all feels so pointless given the almost complete lack of Anita’s will to live. She also has to deal with the fact that she can no longer have 100% of me; a large part is living another life. I would like to have at least gone out for a meal or something, but I can’t actually sit and listen to what she has to say. My threshold for how much is too much is becoming lower and today is another day when something else has broken forever within me. I am very worried that all this is draining what I feel for her. First to go has been my attraction to her, what is next?