The Horror Of Now!
Well I’m entering the third week of ‘depression’ and feel like shit. I know this is all chemical, to do with the brain injury and I have to work through it, but I get so frustrated. The house is in upheaval at the moment as our garage is being converted and the poor builder had to toilet me today as I was desperate, I don’t know who was more embarrassed and think I have reached my lowest ebb, I have sunk so far! I used to have pride! I potter around the house no trouble when I feel fine, do the laundry from my wheelchair, make myself drinks, but when I feel like this, I might as well be catatonic! I just sit around doing nothing! I was ‘assessed’ last week by yet another neuro physiotherapist, I am sick of being assessed , I just want to get on with it, I feel all this assessment is wasting precious time. There is supposed to be plenty of time, but I don’t want to waste any more time than I have to in this chair. I know I can’t accept what has happened to me and it is affecting my recovery, but at least I continue to recover! My balance is better and I have more feeling in my arm and leg. It’s hard to focus on these positive aspects though and I get so frustrated at the slowness of everything. I just want my life back please! Now, I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
Howard can’t believe I got the builder to toilet me and I am so worried about him. He has no life, goes to work, comes home, toilets me if necessary, goes on his computer, helps me to bed and goes to bed himself. I know he finds this ‘depression’ hard to take and I worry that he will end up resenting me. I was once so free and independent, but now talking is difficult and I generally remain quiet! I get so ‘depressed’ I have physical symptoms, I feel nervous all the time and get panic attacks, the fear in my stomach is unbearable! I get suicidal, but am too much of a coward to do anything, I just want to stop this as I can’t stand it. I want to be an inspiration to other brain injured people and their families, but all they will get is this deranged ranting, which isn’t very inspiring! Bad things happen to good people all the time, why should I be any different? I just have to survive this and I will of course! It’s just so hard, the hardest thing I have ever done, which is why I must have arranged this for myself! All this is good for the soul, but bad for the body obviously! My body is ruined and I can’t get over that, I have a right sided facial palsy, my right eye is crossed and won’t close, so gets constantly infected, I am partially deaf in both ears, with constant tinnitus accompanied by a ‘whooshing’ sound. Speaking is hard, as is eating and drinking. My left side is numb and I have very limited movement in my left limbs. I also write like a drunken six year old! A lot to get right, who said I don’t like a challenge! The worst thing is the more ‘depressed’ I get, the more my physical condition worsens, so I can do even less and I get more ‘depressed’, its a self fulfilling prophecy!